Lost and Confused

Do you ever have times when you feel lost or confused? I do. I do a lot lately. I have so many crazy things going on in my life that I often wonder if it is even worth putting forth any effort into the things I need to do. There are times when I feel like all my efforts aren't worth anything. It kinda sucks. Fortunately I am not a quitter so I will just keep plugging away at things hoping that one day something will come of my efforts. One day I will find out whether or not I was able to help someone out in some way. But right now all I see is someone that is just kinda there taking up space and getting in peoples way. There are even times when I feel like people don't want me around. I am often ignored when I say something during a conversation between several people. No one seems to care about what I have to say. Or when they do listen to something I say they either mock me or just look at me like I am crazy and don't know anything and so I should stop talking and go back to the hole I came from. Leona says I am socially awkward. Maybe that is true. Maybe I am only suited for an electronic social life. It is a very lonely life. One that I have been living for a long time. But there are times when I actually want to hang out with people. Talk with people. Real people in the flesh. But who would want to hang out with me?  Not very many people. It doesn't help that I have a busy schedule so I don't have time to go do things.  And when I do have time I am always broke so I can't afford to do anything. Being broke all the time really sucks. I work hard all day and have nothing to show for it. Someday maybe that will be different.  I certainly hope so. Someday I will finish a game that will sell and make me some money.  Then I can use that money to make my game programming career take off.  But first I have to get things going and that takes time.  Time that I never seem to have these days. And I need skills that I don't have.  Namely the ability to create graphics. Someday I will learn it.  But not today. Today is for developing my game programming skills. There is a lot involved in writing games and I am only about 15% of the way to completing a great game.  I have the ideas and the story lines.  Now I need the skills.

Well, I am going to stop my ranting for now.  I know I seem a little crazy and this post rambles a lot. But that is usually how things in my mind work.  I generally have several different thoughts running through my head at the same time. Writing them down often gets jumbled up because they are all coming out at once. Maybe that is why I am socially awkward. Because I am thinking so many things at a time that what I am trying to say never comes out like I want it too.  Hmm.  There is a thought.